Update on life and ponderings.

Hello all! It has been a while but it has been hard to write. The holidays have been amazing and interesting. My birthday is always right around Thanksgiving and so I usually get to visit my family close to my birthday. Usually my dad takes me out for my birthday with my family, but this year he and I met up for lunch. My dad knew I had made contact with my birthmother and was excited for me, but we had not spoken much about it. Having lunch with my dad one-on-one was amazing we were able to talk about so much stuff. We talked about the progress I had made making contact with my birth family, the struggles I had experienced, and he opened up about what he was experiencing, feeling and thinking during all of the process. It was so nice to hear things from his perspective. The rest of the holidays were great and I am looking forward to what the New Year brings.

In other news the holidays brought the announcements of multiple pregnencies as well as baby shower invites. I am so excited for these girls and their families. Over the weekend my friend Tiff and I went to look at a friend's registry and I fell in love with some of the adorable baby stuff and the thought of planning for my own baby. Then I went home and realized that I love talking about planning for a baby someday, but I am still fine not being pregnant or trying to start a baby. This is a weird feeling. I have always known I wanted to be a mom but hubby and I have always been on the 10 yr plan (6 yrs in). The feeling that I am not craving a baby makes me nervous that I no longer have a desire to be a mom. I love children and spending time with them and playing with them. I know my parents were 25 and 26 before they adopted me and they have always taught me not to rush into things and I am hoping that this lack of a craving is just because I know the hubby and I have a plan and my parents teaching me not to rush life.
Sorry for the rambling, it is just easier to write it all then speak it out loud. To anyone that reads this that are friends or family that have children or are expecting know that I love your children and would do anything within my means for them and will love to watch our children play together.

So much to share!!!

It has been forever! So much has happened and developed since the last time I posted. For starters one of my birthmother's sisters (my aunt) contacted me on facebook and let me know she was going to be in my area and wanted to meet me!! It was such a great experience, she was so sweet. We got to spend about 2 1/2 hours together and there was never a lull in the conversation. We talked about so much stuff it was just like talking to a family member that I have grown up and seen all my life. We talked about my adoption, we talked about her life and mine, it was so awesome.
In other news, I was attempting to show my mother-in-law my birthfather's facebook page to show her some of our similarities and discovered that he has deleted, or at least blocked me from any access to his facebook. I was a little shocked and surprised, but I am doing okay with it. I have realized through this process that I have an amazing father, father-in-law, uncles and cousins that would do anything for me and be here in a heart beat if I called. I think it is just confusing because all I wanted was information and he went to such extremes. That is all I have time to post right now. I will let you know how this journey continues.

Donald Miller

This man is an amazing writer! My girl's Bible Study is currently reading his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". It talks about writing a better story with your life. In the book it speaks about Mr. Miller locating his father. He was not adopted, but his father and mother divorced when he was young and Mr. Miller hadn't seen his father for 30 years and decided to locate him. We read and discussed the section tonight about Mr. Miller making contact with his father. It was great to read this because I was able to relate. He spoke about driving 6 hours to meet his father and not thinking of a single question to ask him. I was telling my group tonight that I remember in the weeks and days leading up to making contact with my birthmother and coming up with all the questions I wanted to ask and have answered and then when she called all those questions didn't matter and all that did was that she was willing to talk to me. I realized that I am not alone in the journey I am on.
In other news I still have not heard from my birthfather. I am still strangely okay with this. I am amazed at how my birthmother's family has reached out to me and communicate with me. They are excited for me when I am excited and they are concerned for me when they know I am hurt or struggling. I appreciate them for reaching out to me and being willing to ge to know me. Life is good and my adventure continues.

Attempted contact

So I took the next step. I attempted to contact my birthfather on 2/11/11. I sent him a similar message as I did to my birthmother. To date I have not received a response. After a week I felt sad, now it is what it is. I don't need him, I have a daddy. I just wanted information. I am okay with him not contacting me back. Before I started this process I was sure that if one or neither of my birthparents wanted to talk to me I would be destroyed and crushed, but I'm not. I realize now that this process has made me stronger. I now reach out and talk more with my dad and stepmom (still hate that term). I am happy, I am healthy, and I am loved, what more could I want or need.
In other news, one of my birthmother's sister (still not sure what to call them) is coming to Nashville this summer and she wants to meet me!!! Insane. I am excited and nervous. What do I say, what do I do when I meet her? Do we shake hands, do we hug? What do I call her? Is this better in public or private? So many questions going through my head. Sometimes they are overwhelming and then I remember that it is still a ways off and that it will be natural, what will be will be.

Little Changes

So it has been awhile since my last post. I have spent a lot of time processing and thinking. Trying to put everything I have felt or thought into words is impossible. Other then the one phone call with my birthmother I have not talked to her. It isn't that I don't want to it is that I don't know what to say or what to ask. She is a great person and was so nice to talk to and her sisters that I have connected with on facebook are great as well. I just feel like I have disrupted their lives and don't want to disrupt it anymore. I am planning on trying to find more on my birthfather and will be asking the women for more information.
Since my last post I have told my dad about everything and he and my stepmom, Sheila, have been just as supportive as my mom and they have all been wonderful. Sheila asked me about it at Thanksgiving and my dad asked about it some to. I was so scared to tell my dad because I didn't want to hurt him, but once I finally told him I realized that by waiting to tell him I only hurt/cheated myself out of the support of him and Sheila.
So for right now I am content.

The phone rings

So, I sent a message via facebook to the person that i believed to be my birthmother a week ago. I didn't expect to hear anything for a while so I tried not to think about/stress about it. Then on Friday evening I got a few very interesting things. 1) a friend request on facebook for the person I sent the note to (stating it was her sister) 2) a friend request from her sister 3) a message from her sister. This was all crazy to process! I was excited, anxious, nervous. I sent messages back and forth with her sister on Friday, it was really exciting to figure out that I found the right person and that at the very least one of her family members was willing to talk to me. Then on Saturday morning I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, it was my birthmother!!!! We talked for 2 hours. It was so amazing, she was so at ease and willing to talk to me. the door is open. I can contact her with any questions I have and if I want to get to know her more I can. Out of respect for the amazing phone call and for her and her family I am not going to give names or go into detail. However, when I got off the phone it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was crazy. I thought that talking to her would completely change my world. Instead it felt like the last piece to a puzzle sliding into place. I didn't cry after we hung up, I didn't sit in a stupor, I wasn't depressed, I was still me and I think that is why the weight was lifted. I was so scared that a message or phone call would be so life altering or completely change me that when it didn't I was relieved. She didn't slam the door in my face, but she also didn't ask me to call her mom or come visit her tomorrow. I am still me. I am thinking of more question to ask her all the time, some serious and some silly. All in all it was an amazing weekend and I am excited to continue to get to know her and her family. I have decided to take one hurdle at a time and wait to find my birthfather. It will come in its own time. Keep me in your prayers as I am still processing all of this!

So much

So much has happened in such a short time!! I faxed in my request to the court and the file was waiting for me in the mail on Monday when I got home!! I was on the phone with my mom and sat in the car for 20 minutes in my garage skimming it and giving her some of the information while she got on the computer and started looking things up. After I got off the phone with her I sat down and read the whole packet, about 20 pages. I realized that some of the traits I had growing up came from my birthmother and we were involved in some of the same things in school. It is insane! Then after taking time to process the fact that I now not only have names, but DOBs, SSNs, and former address and phone numbers, I started trying to find them online. I ended up finding who I believe is my birthmother on facebook! I also believe that I found the address for my birthfather. Yesterday I sat down and started writing letters. I completed my letter to my birthfather, hand written and 3 pages. Pretty sure I rambled so I plan on looking at it and editing it so I don't sound crazy or retarded. I plan on sending out a message to them both by Tuesday. I have to set a time frame or it will likely be another 5 years. It is insane how with 1 request how much has happened in a week. Please pray for my strength has I continue this process and also for my birthparents as this I am sure will be overwhelming for them. Also pray for my family, my mom is such a great support, but I am sure this is overwhelming to her as well.