Monday, March 29, 2010

Who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
"Who I am" chorus by Jessica Andrews.

This is a song I have loved forever. Whenever it is on I belt out the lyrics and smile because it is me. Then the other day it came on the radio and I started singing it. I got to the chorus and started to feel a lump in my throat and tears form behind my eyes. I realized that I don't know who I look like. I know it is a dumb thing to get choked up about. The rest of the chorus is still true and still me, but I couldn't get the one stupid line out of my head. All my life I've been told I look like my parents, especially my dad. This has been great because you don't have to explain that you are adopted when asked why you don't look like your parents. Actually I also look a lot like my youngest sister and brother as well. But, now with the search I have started I look in the mirror and wonder where I get my forehead and eyes and nose. I know where I get my height, my birth mother was 6 foot 1 when I was born. Now I realize that I didn't necessarily get chocked up because I am sad or upset that I don't know who I look like, but more because I am excited that I am starting this adventure to figure out who I look like.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A name!!!

So I called my mom on my way home from work. I told her about my blog and that I was working toward finding my birth mother. We had about an hour long conversation about a lot of things surrounding finding my birth family. It is so great to get to talk to her about my feelings and fears because in a lot of ways she has the same feelings and fears. As we were talking I told her that I would be pulling the court documents from Kansas to attempt to get names. I also told her that TJ thought he remembered the last name. Then my mom did an amazing thing, she told me the whole name!!!! She told me that throughout the documents that we have that part of the name was always blacked out, but in one spot they missed blacking out my birth mother's name. So I now have first name, middle initial, and last name. I am not going to lie this makes me nervous. I mean I knew I would have a name to work with in the future, but I was expecting it in a few weeks. I am really excited though too. So tonight I am going to work on looking at websites and putting in the name.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A brief history

Hi! So everyone knows this blog is going to be about my adventure on finding more about my birth family. So this post is just a brief history.
I was born in November 1984. My grandmother lovingly calls me the Thanksgiving Turkey. I was born the day before Thanksgiving, but my family got the call on Thanksgiving day. My parents weren't looking to adopt, in fact they had just lost twin boys. The doctor that delivered the twins also delivered me and called and set it up for my parents. I grew up seemingly normal. My family moved around for my dad's job. We spent holidays with family, had lots of friends and I was loved. The only difference was that I was adopted. I knew I was adopted for as long as I can remember. It never seemed unusual or strange to me. When I was about 16 my mom had some medical things happen and I was taught where all the important documents were and who to call and how to get to the documents. In all these documents were my adoption records. At that time my mom also promised that when I turned 18 if I wanted she would help me find my birth mother. I didn't think much of it over the next few years. I got engaged when I was 20 and I asked my mom to let me see my records. She let me read them. It was a lot to handle so I stopped. I got married and my husband, as a surprise, took my original documents and gave my mom and his mom copies. He presented them to me and told me he would help me if I wanted. I sat in bed that morning for hours reading and re-reading the paperwork. I told I couldn't do it. I said I couldn't do it because it would hurt my mom, but I was scared of rejection. Fast forward to 2007. I am preparing for my final year of undergrad, I am living in Nashville and have a summer of nothing to do. At this point my mom has promised me that I won't hurt her feelings if I want to find my birth mother. I have had some medical questions that I am wanting to try to find an answer to. I decide that I am going to do it. Another lie to myself. I get as far as calling the Johnson county court house in Kansas and then never follow through. The fear of rejection comes again. My husband lovingly calls me a pansy. He admits that he can't understand but still tries to explain to me that I am being ridiculous. Fast forward to now. I have a friend that is preparing to have a baby and I keep thinking in a few years that is going to be me. I am scared for my unborn, uncreated child. I don't know my medical history, I don't know if down the line I could be diagnosised with something that will take me away from my child and family early. These are things I want to know. So now I am taking the leap and going to push through the feelings of possible rejection, remembering that I have family that loves me and supports me already, and I am going to work at finding my birth mother.