Little Changes

So it has been awhile since my last post. I have spent a lot of time processing and thinking. Trying to put everything I have felt or thought into words is impossible. Other then the one phone call with my birthmother I have not talked to her. It isn't that I don't want to it is that I don't know what to say or what to ask. She is a great person and was so nice to talk to and her sisters that I have connected with on facebook are great as well. I just feel like I have disrupted their lives and don't want to disrupt it anymore. I am planning on trying to find more on my birthfather and will be asking the women for more information.
Since my last post I have told my dad about everything and he and my stepmom, Sheila, have been just as supportive as my mom and they have all been wonderful. Sheila asked me about it at Thanksgiving and my dad asked about it some to. I was so scared to tell my dad because I didn't want to hurt him, but once I finally told him I realized that by waiting to tell him I only hurt/cheated myself out of the support of him and Sheila.
So for right now I am content.

The phone rings

So, I sent a message via facebook to the person that i believed to be my birthmother a week ago. I didn't expect to hear anything for a while so I tried not to think about/stress about it. Then on Friday evening I got a few very interesting things. 1) a friend request on facebook for the person I sent the note to (stating it was her sister) 2) a friend request from her sister 3) a message from her sister. This was all crazy to process! I was excited, anxious, nervous. I sent messages back and forth with her sister on Friday, it was really exciting to figure out that I found the right person and that at the very least one of her family members was willing to talk to me. Then on Saturday morning I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, it was my birthmother!!!! We talked for 2 hours. It was so amazing, she was so at ease and willing to talk to me. the door is open. I can contact her with any questions I have and if I want to get to know her more I can. Out of respect for the amazing phone call and for her and her family I am not going to give names or go into detail. However, when I got off the phone it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was crazy. I thought that talking to her would completely change my world. Instead it felt like the last piece to a puzzle sliding into place. I didn't cry after we hung up, I didn't sit in a stupor, I wasn't depressed, I was still me and I think that is why the weight was lifted. I was so scared that a message or phone call would be so life altering or completely change me that when it didn't I was relieved. She didn't slam the door in my face, but she also didn't ask me to call her mom or come visit her tomorrow. I am still me. I am thinking of more question to ask her all the time, some serious and some silly. All in all it was an amazing weekend and I am excited to continue to get to know her and her family. I have decided to take one hurdle at a time and wait to find my birthfather. It will come in its own time. Keep me in your prayers as I am still processing all of this!

So much

So much has happened in such a short time!! I faxed in my request to the court and the file was waiting for me in the mail on Monday when I got home!! I was on the phone with my mom and sat in the car for 20 minutes in my garage skimming it and giving her some of the information while she got on the computer and started looking things up. After I got off the phone with her I sat down and read the whole packet, about 20 pages. I realized that some of the traits I had growing up came from my birthmother and we were involved in some of the same things in school. It is insane! Then after taking time to process the fact that I now not only have names, but DOBs, SSNs, and former address and phone numbers, I started trying to find them online. I ended up finding who I believe is my birthmother on facebook! I also believe that I found the address for my birthfather. Yesterday I sat down and started writing letters. I completed my letter to my birthfather, hand written and 3 pages. Pretty sure I rambled so I plan on looking at it and editing it so I don't sound crazy or retarded. I plan on sending out a message to them both by Tuesday. I have to set a time frame or it will likely be another 5 years. It is insane how with 1 request how much has happened in a week. Please pray for my strength has I continue this process and also for my birthparents as this I am sure will be overwhelming for them. Also pray for my family, my mom is such a great support, but I am sure this is overwhelming to her as well.

The next step

So after letting the fact that I had a difficult time getting a hold of the court clerk in Kansas derail me; I am back on track. I let myself feel that I wasn't suppose to find my birth family because I was having such a hard time getting information from court. Yesterday I decided I was no longer going to let myself get side tracked. I called the court house and after holding for 10 minutes got all the information. I faxed a letter with the details that I knew and the details that I needed along with copies of my marriage license/certificate, drivers license and social security card. The lady on the phone told me to fax it to Gail and that she would contact me for the next step. I am not sure what I am feeling. I wasn't scared or happy or sad. It was just sending another fax. It wasn't like I expected it to feel, I expected to feel something, anything, but instead I felt nothing. Maybe this is a good thing, or maybe it is just that faxing the request doesn't mean anything now, but when the request is filled then I will feel something.
In other news I have started to share what I am doing with more people and they are so positive. I was so surprised that there have been no negative comments and just genuine concern that no one wants to see me get hurt. It is such a great feeling to know that I have so much support on this journey. Thanks to everyone!

The easy part is becoming the hard part

So the part of this process that I thought would be easiest is now becoming a pain in the butt! All I want to do is pull the court records from Kansas. I have attempted calling the court records office repeatedly, no one answers. I attempt to look them up online, no records shown, I try to fill out an application, it won't let me type it. I print out the application, the only form they have and it is not a form for what I need. I really didn't think this part would be this hard. I had talked to them in the past, but just want to confirm what they need. Oy Vey!!

Who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
"Who I am" chorus by Jessica Andrews.

This is a song I have loved forever. Whenever it is on I belt out the lyrics and smile because it is me. Then the other day it came on the radio and I started singing it. I got to the chorus and started to feel a lump in my throat and tears form behind my eyes. I realized that I don't know who I look like. I know it is a dumb thing to get choked up about. The rest of the chorus is still true and still me, but I couldn't get the one stupid line out of my head. All my life I've been told I look like my parents, especially my dad. This has been great because you don't have to explain that you are adopted when asked why you don't look like your parents. Actually I also look a lot like my youngest sister and brother as well. But, now with the search I have started I look in the mirror and wonder where I get my forehead and eyes and nose. I know where I get my height, my birth mother was 6 foot 1 when I was born. Now I realize that I didn't necessarily get chocked up because I am sad or upset that I don't know who I look like, but more because I am excited that I am starting this adventure to figure out who I look like.

A name!!!

So I called my mom on my way home from work. I told her about my blog and that I was working toward finding my birth mother. We had about an hour long conversation about a lot of things surrounding finding my birth family. It is so great to get to talk to her about my feelings and fears because in a lot of ways she has the same feelings and fears. As we were talking I told her that I would be pulling the court documents from Kansas to attempt to get names. I also told her that TJ thought he remembered the last name. Then my mom did an amazing thing, she told me the whole name!!!! She told me that throughout the documents that we have that part of the name was always blacked out, but in one spot they missed blacking out my birth mother's name. So I now have first name, middle initial, and last name. I am not going to lie this makes me nervous. I mean I knew I would have a name to work with in the future, but I was expecting it in a few weeks. I am really excited though too. So tonight I am going to work on looking at websites and putting in the name.